May 19, 2022
We also discussed removing my ovaries. I’ve been researching tamoxifen and noted that aromatase inhibitors tend to work better to prevent recurrence and have less side effects but can only be prescribed to women post menopause. She told me I could have that done and it would also decrease the chances of spread and recurrence. I would also be able to get the inhibitor instead of tamoxifen which is known to be poorly tolerated. She wanted to let me know sometimes hysterectomies cause bladder issues but they have great surgeons who can deal with that if it happens.
I decided to move forward with her and choose the team at LVHN. Next week, I meet with two plastic surgeons to discuss reconstruction. I also found out it’s covered by insurance so that is great news.
I try not to think too deeply about how much I’m going to age but Dr Lori did admit they would be aging my body about ten years. Just last month, I was worried about my neck getting wrinkles and now I’m going to be forcing my own body to age ten years. I wish I had more time to embrace aging gracefully but I suppose time is what I am fighting for.
They sent my the Cancer Care package today and it was depressing. It has a sheet for how to deal with sleep loss, painful intimacy, chemo brain, and about ten other sheets and books for your partner, you and your children. It came with eyelashes, a bedazzled head scarf and warm socks as a reminder of what awaits me. I’ve been researching everything and it seems like there are so many decisions I don’t want to make but I know I should be happy to make them because it might mean one more day with my boys. It reminds me of when Colin was a toddler, I always gave him choices but the choices were always things I wanted him to do. One day he started yelling at me and he said, “You never let me pick good things, only bad or bad things.” I am feeling that deeply today.
Today, Alistair graduated from preschool and I watched him sing with a bunch of other adorable 4 year olds. I thought about how beautiful they all were and how thankful I was to be there. I let him go without a mask even though I don’t want to miss any appointments or surgery because I figured surgery would be about two weeks out. Kids and adults were sneezing and coughing all over the place. I hope I don’t have to cancel anything because I wanted to see his face during his pre-k graduation ceremony.
A close childhood friend told me she published a go fund me for my medical expenses as well. Another kind friend set up a Colorstreet party for me. I’ve been crying off and on all day about that. I feel so many things. My Mother raised me to believe that you never ask for help. You help others. She believed it was wrong to accept charity but these medical expenses seem so much bigger than me. They worry Charles and can impact my children. I remember when Mom was dying she felt terrible about letting her friends help her. I always told her when she let her friends help, she was helping them too. Our loved ones want to help us. I remind myself of that every time I get overwhelmed and it helps me swallow my tears and move on.
I finished the day with a closing and it was wonderful to know I was a part of another family’s story. Especially a family so dear to my heart. It’s also scary knowing I won’t be able to work for the summer or possibly ever again.
All these things are like monolithic beasts whose shadows rip entire civilizations from the pages of history. I feel like a tiny speck of sand bravely making a stand before a tidal wave. I know this storm is coming for me. I know it’s going to be hard and it will change me but I will still dance and call it rain.
