May 23, 2022
Today, I went to visit a plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options. I wasn’t expecting it to get to me. I think the financial paperwork was intimidating so that sort of reminded me of some of the stressful things I try hard not to dive into. I guess we need to take out a new credit card to pay for all the extra fees insurance might not cover. Charles and I discussed getting divorced in case we couldn’t pay for all the charges associated with reconstruction. I don’t want to have to reschedule once I finally get surgery scheduled. I shouldn’t have to worry about this when trying to survive is stressful enough.
This waiting is so worrying.
We spoke about implant reconstruction and the risks. I knew I might not keep my nipples and that was not a big surprise. I don’t really need them anymore. I think what got me was her candidly saying they will not look the same again. I knew that but I guess hearing it was a little scary.
Survival is the important thing. I know losing my breasts shouldn’t be a huge deal but it made me reconsider my surgery decisions. It made me wonder if reconstruction was even what I wanted. How I look matters to me but why?
I was just starting to come to terms with aging and the loss of my youth. I felt like I was finally living up to my potential for the first time in my life. I wasn’t ready to get old. I was in my Prime. I devoted my whole youth to my Mom and I devoted the rest to being a Mom myself. I felt like I could finally devote all that love and energy into my career and community.
Now, youth feels like a band aid about to get ripped off. Why am I resistant?
I suppose it has something to do with the uncertainty. My Eight year old is asking me more questions about cancer. He is worried about me and asked if I would get the same kind that killed my Mom. I told him I don’t know but I hope not. We talked about how important it is to try and remember to enjoy life while we can. We also talked about how hard that is sometimes. I wish so damned much I could tell him I would be fine. Instead, I tell him life is hard but we have each other and the best we can do is appreciate it. That’s what life is all about. I love my life and I love my family. I’m grieving a little for the loss of this small part of who I am and the battle I am about to take on.
Yesterday, I received a call to tell me the MRI wasn’t in network and the out of pocket cost would be much higher. They said any other location wouldn’t be available until the end of June.
I went to LVHN to meet Dr Lori Alfonse and walked passed the bell you ring at the end of treatment. I dreamt of the day when I could do that and thought about all those who never got the chance, like my Mom. I meet with Dr Alfonse. She and I discussed the idea of doing additional testing. Dr Lori said MRIs are unclear and not a good way to look at breast tissue and they prefer to do them around 5 days after your period which brings me to the end of June for testing. Since I am doing a double mastectomy she feels anything of interest will be found in the biopsy and if they found anything in the nodes they would have to go back in anyhow. It also often means additional testing, extended wait for treatment time, expenses and they tend to be of little help to her as a surgeon. We both agreed that when she operated on me, she could take sentinel node samples to make sure I am cancer free on both sides.
